New hair, but what does it say about me?

Let me say up front: I turned 40 this year. This haircut was not because of a breakup. I don’t believe it was because of some “mid-life crisis”. I have a tendency to get fed up with my hair and either dye it crazy colors or chop it off. This time I went with the chop.

I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I had medium-length hair down past my shoulders, a nice thick bang/fringe, and a sort of shag cut. I liked it but then I started to notice that I never wore it down anymore. It was always up in either a ponytail or, more often than not, a claw clip. Both of those hurt. I’d have this constant tugging on my occiput and it was uncomfortable. Sitting in chairs, whether it be in a cinema or in the car, the clip or pony was always in the way and I’d have to hold my head further forward or take the clip out, only to put it back in later. I was getting frustrated with it when I had an idea…what about a pixie cut? It felt like it was time for a change.

I’ve had a pixie one other time in my life back in 2014. I loved it that day and the next but not after that. I could never get it to style right and it required more work than my longer hair did.

I also tend to be impulsive with my hair. Sometimes those impulses serve me. Other times…not so much. This impulse, to cut it, hit me about two weeks before my scheduled hair appointment. Then I saw Lauren Pfeiffer on YouTube in a short and her pixie was beautiful. It suited her so much. The pixie would solve my issues. I’d no longer pull it back. If I got a short pixie, shorter than I’d had before, drying time would be a breeze. I’d use up less styling product and it would last longer. I’d be cooler for summer. The pain in my scalp would be gone. All of these issues I’d been getting tired of would vanish.

The issue? If I hated it, it would take months, possibly over a year, to get even close to where I was and many of those months would have that awkward hair length. There’s just no way around it - you have to suffer the consequences of hair too short to pull up, too long to look cute, and hope for the best.

And possibly invest in clips, scarves, and/or headbands.

That first day I felt pretty good and walked out with a smile. Everyone who saw the cut and already knew me said it looked great and made my eyes pop. I knew I might develop some hesitation or feelings about it over the next few days based on what had happened last time and what Lauren (aka @passingwhimsies) also said in her video, but not quite like this.

The next day was ok. I liked it a little less but had styled it more to my liking. I washed my hair and it was both a shock and a thrill to not have all that hair and to dry it so quickly but, when I looked in the mirror, it didn’t look like me. I didn’t quite recognize myself. It was sort of an uncanny valley effect.

I looked at the before photo I took Thursday night when I went to a movie. Objectively I liked how I looked (of course I had my best selfie angle). When I compared that to the photo I took after, that was when I was confronted with it - I didn’t feel attractive.

Now, I’ve never felt attractive. I have hated my body to varying degrees since I started to become aware of it around age 9. I did like my face, my lips, my eyes, and, importantly, my hair.

This took that away.

Now I’m left with my face and, without the hair to frame it, all I saw was a big square. No sharp edges. Thanks to weight, gravity, and time, my jawline isn’t sharp. It sort of bleeds into my neck, along with a little second chin. I notice those so much more now. Even the features I did like, my skin/lips/eyes, receded back in my mind. They weren’t as nice as before. They can’t make up for the lack of hair.

The more often I see myself in a mirror, the more I start to scrutinize my looks. Do I truly think I look less pretty, or is it that I’m still in shock from the reflection not matching what my brain has been used to for so long?

Now I have a conundrum: my life has gotten easier because of the haircut, but my self-confidence has fallen.

That’s when a new concept, a new thought starts to occur to me.

Do you really value your hair that much?

In the grand scheme of things, your life has improved. So why do I feel so bad?

The answer I come back to is Patriarchy. (Ugh, I know, I’m cringing at that word too. You may be nodding in agreement. You may be cringing with a little vomit in your mouth. I’m with both of you).

Around the time of puberty I started to become very aware of my body. Some time, some way, it got into my head that how I look is important. In some ways, if I wanted to get a boyfriend, it was the most important thing. If I’m completely honest with myself then I still feel that. I may not logically agree with that but my brain, my emotions, tell me this is true. By the time I get to middle and high school it’s the girls that are pretty, the ones that have dates, that are popular and important. I was lucky in that the popular girls were also really intelligent and kind. I did not live Mean Girls. But nonetheless, they were beautiful and desired by boys. Because of that, they were envied by us. Their looks gave them status.

Now I am less pretty. Less conventionally attractive. My teenage self is not feeling good right now.

I’ve also dated a lot and at this point in my life I also know that I am valuable despite my hair. My hair does not make me a good partner. It might make me less attractive to men, which might make it harder for me to date. I’m also at a point where I’m not concerned with dating. So why does this bother me so much??? If I don’t want a man, why am I so worried about my looks not being able to attract one?

See? Patriarchy.

I was journaling this in the bath last night and it sort of dawned on me. I can use this as a sort of test. I can challenge myself. Can I learn to love myself if I don’t have long soft hair? Can I unlearn more of the harmful lessons that were taught to me as a child?

I feel less feminine, aka less soft, less attractive. I also feel less burdened. In some ways I feel more confident. Many women have said they could never do that, get a pixie cut. My suspicion is they say that because they fear all of the fears and emotions I posted about earlier. I can sometimes feel the confidence of a woman who was able to do something many women have thought or wished they could do but never would be brave enough to endure.

I think of cancer patients who have lost their hair. Do they feel less feminine?

Hair does not make me a woman. Yet, if you were to try to describe to an alien race in simple terms how to tell the difference between a man and a woman, odds are you’d say women have long hair and men don’t. Drag queens often have long, elaborately styled wigs. Something I see often in MTF trans people is they start to wear makeup and…grow out their hair.

Logically I like the idea of the challenge, of unlearning harmful and self-limiting lessons. Emotionally I do not like this. I want to throw a toddler-sized tantrum and get my hair back.

Lauren P. said in a YT short “things I wish I’d known before I got my pixie cut” was about just this, the emotions behind it. She warned that you will feel emotions after getting this haircut. For her it took about a month to adjust to it and learn to like it.

I’m going to give myself a month. I’m going to see if I can learn to play with this new hair. I joined a kickball league…it’ll be really nice to be able to run around and not have all that hair to deal with. I’m going to remind myself of all of the advantages of this haircut, and repeatedly remind myself that I am not my hair.

Rapunzel in Disney’s Tangled in the end had her lucious long blonde hair chopped off. What was left was short, choppy, and brunette. She was still beautiful, kind, and (literally) magical. It did not matter. It was not the thing that defined her. Not anymore.

#Goals